Welcome to the London Underground, the world’s oldest and quirkiest transport network. For first-time visitors (and even seasoned locals), navigating the Tube can feel like stepping into an urban safari. To help you blend in with the native species—known as “commuters”—we’ve compiled a list of essential rules and tips. Study them well; your survival depends on it.
Tube Etiquette: The Basics
- Do Wait Until People Get OFF the Train Before Boarding
Yes, it’s basic physics: people need to leave before you can enter. Ignore this, and you’ll find yourself in a human tug-of-war with some very angry Londoners. - Don’t Stop in the Middle of… Anything
Stairs? Entrances? Doors? It’s a big, fat no. If you stop, you will be flattened by a stampede of determined commuters who have zero patience for your existential crisis about which way to go. - Walk on the Left, Stand on the Right
On escalators, the right-hand side is sacred territory for standing. The left? That’s for the Usain Bolts of the commuting world. Cross this line at your peril.
Advanced Commuter Tips
- Reading Material Matters
Gentlemen, a word of advice: reading Harry Potter or a “chick flick” novel on the Tube doesn’t make you look sensitive. It makes you look like you’ve given up. Stick to something neutral—like a newspaper, a thriller, or even an existentialist manifesto. Anything but Twilight. - The “Overcrowded” Myth
There’s no such thing as an “overcrowded train.” If you’re standing and holding on for dear life, it’s officially “full.” If you don’t need to hold on? Congratulations, it’s just “busy.” Either way, pack yourself in and embrace the communal warmth. - Eye Contact: Don’t Do It
Making eye contact on the Tube is like challenging someone to a duel. You don’t know who’s out there, and you definitely don’t want to find out. Just stare at your shoes, your phone, or the interesting ad about toenail fungus.
Unwritten Rules
- Unattended Bags Are NOT Your Problem
Thanks to decades of bomb threats, Londoners have a steadfast rule: if it’s unattended, it’s untouchable. Leave your bag in the luggage rack, and no one will touch it—because no one wants to deal with the potential consequences. - Tourists Beware
If you’re a tourist, we love you. Really, we do. But on the Tube, you’re fair game. Blocking doors, fumbling with maps, and shouting “It’s just like Hogwarts!” will earn you the withering stares of an entire carriage. - Manners in Rush Hour? Good Luck
During rush hour, there are no rules. It’s a free-for-all. Pregnant women and the elderly should still get priority seating, but beyond that, it’s every commuter for themselves.
Practical Tips
- Backpacks Off, Please
Your backpack doesn’t need its own seat. Take it off and hold it in front of you. This simple act of courtesy prevents you from unintentionally smacking someone in the face every time the train jolts. - Find a Seat and Guard It
Seats are rare treasures, so if you find one, claim it quickly. But if a pregnant person or someone less able to stand enters, be a decent human being and give it up. - Excuse Me, Then Push
Londoners are polite. Sort of. If you need to push past, say “Excuse me” first. After that, you’re free to nudge, shuffle, or bulldoze your way through. - Rush Hour Mathematics
If one person gets off, two can get on. During rush hour, this ratio escalates to three, four, or even five. Squeeze in, tuck your elbows, and hope for the best.
The London Underground is a marvel of engineering, a cornerstone of London life, and occasionally, a test of your patience and humanity. Learn these rules, embrace the chaos, and you’ll fit right in. Just don’t make eye contact. Ever.