If you plan to travel on the Tube, you need entertainment, talking to fellow passengers is NOT an option. The rides can be brief or unexpectedly long, signalling problems, stalled trains, mysterious delays referred to only as “incidents.” So naturally, many commuters bring a book. But here’s the thing: Tube reading is a public performance, and Londoners judge silently but decisively.

Let’s begin with what not to read. If you’re a grown man clutching a copy of Harry Potter, no one will yell at you, but you may feel the weight of subtle side-eye. It’s not that the city disapproves of magic and friendship, it just navigates emotional vulnerability differently. And if you’re reading something like Fifty Shades of Grey or a romance novel with a shirtless man on the cover, congratulations, you have become the entertainment for the entire carriage.

Avoid oversized guidebooks too. Nothing screams “I AM A TOURIST, PLEASE ROB ME” like unfolding a map so large it requires planning permission. Yes, you’re new here. Yes, the Tube map looks like a bowl of spaghetti. But checking your routes discreetly on your phone is the modern way.

Then there’s the category of books that make people think you’re going through something. For example, self-help books. Reading “How to Stop Being Sad” at 8 a.m. on a Monday announces to the world that you are, in fact, very sad. Londoners will avoid eye contact even more aggressively.

So what should you read?

A classic novel. Something tasteful. Austen. Dickens. Even George Orwell is a safe bet. These choices signal sophistication without pretension. They say, “Look at me, I’m cultured, but not in a way that makes anyone uncomfortable.”

A newspaper. A timeless classic. It folds. It crinkles. It tells the world you understand how the British middle class works. Bonus points if you nod dramatically at the headlines like you’re considering running for office.

A small, discreet book. Small paperbacks are Tube gold. They fit in your pocket, they don’t draw attention, and they don’t reveal too much about your soul.

Your phone. This is the standard choice for Londoners. Scrolling through headlines, reading news, and pretending to read while actually checking memes, all perfectly acceptable.

Ultimately, the Tube is not a place where people will openly judge you. Instead, they will do it silently, politely, and with tremendous restraint. So choose your reading material wisely. Remember, you’re not just passing time, you’re creating an impression.

On the bright side, once you learn the art of Tube reading, you’ll feel like a real Londoner. And who knows? One day you might even muster the courage to bring out that Harry Potter book again.