Welcome to London! Home of iconic landmarks, unpredictable weather, and the beloved-but-slightly-terrifying London Underground, affectionately known as the Tube. If you’re preparing to dive into this subterranean ecosystem, you’re about to experience a world where time, space, and basic human courtesy occasionally warp into something… different. But fear not! With the right tips, you can not only survive the experience, you can conquer it.

Let’s begin with the golden rule of Tube etiquette: Let passengers off the train before you attempt to get on. This might feel counterintuitive if you’re used to public transport systems where people shove their way inside as if competing in an Olympic sport. But in London, it’s sacred. You stand to the side. You wait. You nod politely like a well-trained Victorian child. Then, and only then, you board. Breaking this rule will earn you a Londoner Glare that could turn diamonds back into coal.

Another important rule: Never block the doors. If you hesitate, pause, or suddenly have an existential crisis about whether you’re on the right train, do it off to the side, not right where 80 stressed commuters need to pass. Londoners treat flow-of-traffic like a sport, and your indecision is the equivalent of lying down on the pitch.

Once inside a station, you must master the local custom known as Keep Moving, For the Love of All Things Holy, Keep Moving. Stopping on the stairs or hovering near a gate is a danger to everyone, including yourself. People here walk fast. Very fast. If you slow down, you risk being swallowed by a river of commuters who have spent decades perfecting the art of speed-walking to catch a train they will definitely miss anyway.

Next up: Escalator Law. You stand on the right. You walk on the left. This rule is so deeply embedded in the British psyche that small children instinctively follow it. If you stand on the left, you’ll cause a chain reaction of silent rage so powerful it could power all of Zone 1. So please, stand on the right unless you’re ready to sprint like someone chasing their runaway dog. For more information on WHY we stand on the right.

And when you finally get onto a train, remember: the Tube is a bubble of collective social avoidance. Talking loudly? Not recommended. Making eye contact? Avoid at all costs. Smiling at strangers? What are you French?

Once you understand these unwritten commandments, the Tube becomes a magical place. You’ll glide through tunnels like a local, avoid the dreaded Glare, and maybe even earn a nod of respect from a commuter who has survived this ritual daily for the past 30 years.

Welcome to the Underground. You’ll be fine. Probably.